I Am (Not) Who I Used to Be
Women in mid-life are often overlooked, yet their lives are rich with experience, creativity, capacity, and accomplishment. This portraiture project finds a group of women in Canada becoming more and more themselves with time.
The world’s population is aging. It’s happening in almost every country in the world, and where I live in Southern Ontario, Canada, is no exception. The Canadian population now has more people aged 55 to 64 than 15 to 24. Women make up a slim majority of this population, increasing over time due to our longer life expectancy. I belong to this large cohort of aging women. At age 55, I incorporated women and aging into my final major project for my recent Photography MA at Falmouth University.
For this collaborative project, I interviewed and made portraits of 16 women in my life who are my age peers (45 to 65). The women in the photographs are my family, friends, friends-of-friends, neighbours, colleagues and fellow parents whom I met at my children’s schools years ago when our children were small. Most I have known for many years. They are not generally representative of older women but are a small sample drawn from women I know. I wanted to know how they felt about aging and being in this stage of their lives. I wanted to hear about their accomplishments and regrets. I also wanted to know what they had learned on their journeys thus far and how they approached moving forward. I also wanted to provide a sounding board for a group often overlooked in contemporary culture.
In my photographic work, I have produced a limited amount of portraiture. This lack of experience with portraiture was one of the reasons I chose to work on a collaborative portrait project with people I already knew. As a relative introvert, I wanted to take up the extra personal challenge that photographing women one-on-one presented. During the six months that I worked on the project, I sometimes wished I was working on something else! In the end, however, I learned how to work with available light more effectively, how to quickly put people at ease while asking personal questions, how to encourage more input from someone reluctant to speak, and how to work collaboratively with a subject to create comfortable poses in a home environment. I also learned that finding the most salient bits of a lengthy interview is not simple or straightforward. The most important thing I learned was to have a plan going into a shoot and to be prepared to change that plan on the fly. I take all this learning forward as I begin work on two new projects: Lake People – a look at Lake Ontario and the people who live around it on both sides of the Canada-US border and No Family Doctor – portraits of people living without family physicians (one in five of those in the province of Ontario).
We have persevered
Returning to I Am (Not) Who I Used to Be, the sample of seven portraits shown here includes excerpts from the individual, in-person interviews I conducted with each woman. The interviews revealed things that were unique to each individual as well as those that were common among the group. I learned that while starting to feel less visible at this age is familiar, lives rich with experience, creativity, capacity, and accomplishment are also common. We have all faced some hardship over the years – careers have not turned out as expected, relationships have failed, children have struggled, and health problems have occurred. We have all experienced loss. We have learned to live with the physical and psychological impacts of menopause with varying degrees of satisfaction.
Through it all, however, we have persevered. As a result, how we see ourselves is refined over time. While we are (not) who we used to be, we are becoming more and more ourselves with time.
Barbara, 63
My dad died at 49, and my mom died at 31. I was 18 when my dad passed away. As an 18-year-old, I thought he was old, and this is what happens. To me, that was old. When I hit 49, I thought: “Oh, this is young.” So, as a younger person, my late forties was old to me. When I got to that point, I realized how young my dad was when he died. When my mom died, I was only eight, so I didn’t have any benchmark for age. I didn’t even know how old she was when she died because I was so young. I didn’t know her age when she passed away until my late twenties. It was terrible, she left behind seven children.
Aging is a blessing to me because my mom never had a chance to age. So, anytime I get older, I get another wrinkle or grey hair, I think of my mother and how she never got those things. Every extra day that I live is one more day that I have that my mom did not. I see my face now and how it has changed, and I wonder what she would have looked like had she been able to grow older than 31. I feel blessed that I have this time that she did not get.
Cindy, 62
As I have gotten older, I have become more patient. I am smarter in some ways. In my career, I have gotten way more settled and confident. My social life has gotten so much smaller, maybe it’s Covid-related, or maybe it’s age-related. Both of my kids were really into sports, so there was a lot of socializing that way. There were more parties when I was younger. When I get together with other people now, I am more comfortable than ever. I am more comfortable in my skin.
Women may lose their power sooner as they age compared to men. Men are afforded a certain respect longer. Why? I think it’s culturally ingrained. It’s still the power imbalance between men and women. Women are seen as less competent, weaker, and less intelligent. Out in the world, I come across as more verbal, stronger, and more competent.
If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to use sunscreen and take better care of my skin. I would say: “Do NOT fret about being fat. Do NOT do ridiculous fad diets. Just be active, try to eat healthily, and don’t compromise. Do what you want to do.”
Heather, 54
I think society has been extremely unkind to the idea of aging; it’s something that is natural and happens to all of us. I feel women have had more of this pressure to appear younger. I know men have these feelings also, but in society, I feel women are targeted more. The old saying is that grey hair makes a woman look older but a man more distinguished. Also, when it comes to dating, it appears acceptable for an older man to date a much younger woman, but I feel that when an older woman dates a younger man, there is more judgment.
I am discouraged by the lack of understanding the younger generation has about the value of life with respect to older people. I have learned some incredible things from my parents. My patients, when they are able to tell me a little bit about themselves, are incredibly interesting.
Kim, 49
If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to stop caring what others think about me. Now I would say: “Absolutely give zero fucks.” It’s just so damaging. I would try to be much more my own person as I was growing up. My parents told me that, but they were old, so I didn’t listen to them.
I think the next generation of women will have a better experience with aging. Every generation advocates for the one coming after them. Although, the day that the laws changed in the US about abortion, I called my mom and said: “I am so sorry.” My mom was not overly political, but it feels like we let them down. It didn’t change in Canada, but it could. It seems like the first time it’s ever happened. It’s always been progressing, but now it’s going backwards. I hope this isn’t the first generation where things will go backwards. It’s terrifying, and I worry about it.
For this generation, I hope we keep moving forward and expanding things. Take menopause, for example; my mom never talked about it really at all. Hopefully, we will keep advocating for the generation coming after us to improve things for them.
Krista, 54
How old do I feel in my head? In some situations, I feel 54. I have some experience and perspective and have figured out a few things. In other situations, I feel like I am 28. Not in a naive way, but in that I feel excited about what could happen, what life could bring. I feel 54 most of the time.
I didn’t expect to be in this position – not in a marriage – at this point in my life. Putting myself in certain situations where I am doing something alone for the first time or having new experiences interacting in the world – intentionally. It’s also exciting - I don’t know that I feel young doing it – but I feel excited doing it. I don’t know why I am equating youth with excitement. New experiences – that spark of new experiences, novelty, challenge.
I think people sometimes don’t notice or consider the vitality of older women. Women are often considered to know nothing or should have their shit together. I don’t think people see women as nuanced. I don’t think we are considered complex, especially by younger people. Women aren’t seen through that lens, particularly by younger people.
Manisha, 48
People misinterpret women as not being with it – integrated into society as much. There is also a misconception that women this age are “bitchy” rather than what we would call “knowing what we want” – assertive versus aggressive, or assertive versus angry. Older women are perceived as “bitchy” because we won’t put up with how men think we should behave or what men think we should do.
The other thing is that people may not think that women in this age group are still finding themselves. As I have gotten older I realize that I need to anchor myself in my brownness more. It has become much more important as I get older.
Women and men are treated differently regarding aging – the silver fox vs the frumpy woman. People say: “He keeps himself in shape,” and “She is letting herself go.” That dad bod is sexy, but a grandma pouch is not. The market says to increase the shapewear industry because women can’t just age gracefully. Every other post on Instagram is about anti-aging products! Gravity happens; what is wrong with it? Days go by, and time goes by, and should we be expected to be the same over time?
Melanie, 49
When I was young, I thought 50 was old. I remember my father’s friend turning 50 and my parents having a birthday party at our house for him. I remember someone asking me if I thought he was old, and I said: “Yes, he is half a century – he’s old.” He was grey; he had grey hair; he was old to me. I was probably 13 years old. Now I think old is 80, 85.
My experience of being 49 is different than my mom’s because I have a supportive partner to help me through. Having some girlfriends who can help you with what you are going through is important, too. I don’t know if my mom had that. Having a good doctor is important. I think the blame on menopause used in relationships isn’t fair. I don’t know if there was as much information back then. I believe educated women would understand, and maybe educated men as well. You have to understand what your body is going through.
About Trish Crawford MA ARPS
Trish is a photographer living in Southern Ontario, Canada. A graduate of the online MA Photography program at Falmouth University (UK), Trish also holds a BA in Political Science from Brock University (Canada). She is primarily interested in social documentary photography.
In 2023, she was selected as an exhibitor in the RPS Summer Open, the To The Sea group exhibit (St Gilles Croix de Vie, France), the Shutter Hub Open (Cambridge University, Cambridge, UK) and the Niagara Falls Night of Art (Niagara Falls, ON). She is working on the Visual Storytelling Intensive through the International Centre of Photography (USA) to develop her skills further. When not making photographs, she enjoys walking with her 10-year-old Goldendoodle, watching movies, reading and being out of doors. Trish is the mother of two young adults.